Parents first, kids second…Moving to Ohio version

I thought I would end this blog when we returned from India, but it turns out that our life is crazy enough here in the US that there are plenty of things to write about!  Sometimes I think about blog topics while reading through Facebook.  People say (or refuse to say) some crazy things that get me thinking about my own life.

Today was one of those Facebook days.  A few people in my feed posted a link to an article about how parenting has evolved drastically in the past 30 years or so and how that parenting style is killing the American marriage.  The headline screamed to me that finally someone saw parenthood the way I see it.  We only have kids in our homes for ~20 years.  Then, if we've been successful, they move on to happy, fulfilling lives of their own.  They are still in our lives, but they are not in our homes or our marriages.  But, so many parents I know think that marriage gets pushed aside for the kids.  Kids come first…I can't go on vacation without kids…I spend all weekend driving hours to sporting events because my kids need the best competition...My kid is awesome and I love him/her more than anything…My goodness would that other parent on the side line please shut up, don't they realize my kid is better.  Ok, I never really heard that last one, but I'm sure people around me were thinking it.

I need to qualify the remainder of this post by confirming that I love my kids more than I thought possible before I had them.  BUT, at least once a day I lament over my PITA (aka, pain in the ass) kids.  I love them dearly, but boy I don't know how they are going to make it to adulthood some days.  They forget things and lose things and complain about how I don't buy enough junk food.  Sometimes my kids are just annoying, and I'm sure their behavior annoys other kids too, so I tell them to stop being annoying.  How horrible that I recognize that my kids are far from perfect and I call them on it so maybe they can make better choices and have better friendships for it.  I also let them figure things out for themselves…The HORROR.  When they were younger and another child took a toy from them, I let them figure it out.  I didn't jump in to say everyone needs to share and wait their turn.  Now that they are older I let them settle differences themselves.  They don't need me to figure out how to handle situations, they need to figure it out on their own.  And, in the meantime I can sit on the deck and have a drink with my husband :)

I almost lost sight of my marriage first philosophy recently.  Michael is furious that we are moving to Ohio.  How can I take him away from his friends and his school and his sports and everything he has known his whole life?  He spends 2 hours every Sunday night after Kyle leaves for Ohio telling me how I am ruining his life.  He makes good points for a 10 year old.  He doesn't understand why dad needs to take a job in another state.  I kind of started to think that, truth be told, Kyle doesn't NEED to take another job.  He had a great job with a great company that he had worked at for 18 years.  But then I remembered WHY he was taking another job.  It was time for him to move on and another great company with an even better job opportunity arose.  We are moving because it is the best thing for Kyle's career which means it is the best thing for our marriage.  Especially the post-retirement portion of our marriage when we hope to have the financial freedom to do what we want when it is just the two of us and the kids are succeeding in their own lives.  And if we are being honest, the kids just survived a year in India.  If they can survive that they can survive a few years in Ohio and maybe even learn more lessons on adaptability, flexibility, making friends and how to become productive adults.  Kids, are you noticing a theme here...I want you to be happy, productive adults (outside of my home)!

In the meantime, I will continue documenting all the ways my kids drive me insane and how I love them anyway.

Hmmm…it has been awhile

I guess I've been a little busy with all of the end of school year craziness and the general absurdity of an international move because I have forgotten to blog recently.  Last you all heard we had decided as a family to move back to the states.  I love to travel (hate to fly but love to travel) so I am packing a few long weekends into my schedule in order to experience as much as I can.

Mid-april was Bangalore's turn to vote in the national elections and, as with most election and government related holidays, the city was dry for 72 hours - no alcohol available for purchase anywhere - and the city offices, schools and corporations all shut down for election day so we had a long weekend!  What did we do?  We went to a dry country!  Seriously, the Maldives is considered a dry country - no alcohol is allowed into the country.  However, the resorts have exceptions so we were able to buy a few beverages during our stay.

I have heard a lot about the maldives and thought it couldn't possibly be as great as everyone says.  I didn't really entertain the idea of going because I figure I've been to beautiful beaches before so why would I spend the amount of money it costs to go to the maldives to go to yet another beach.  In all seriousness the Maldives is way out of our general vacation price range.  I kept thinking, "How can it possibly live up the expectation of world's most beautiful beaches, most beautiful diving and snorkeling?"  But EVERYONE I know who has been simply raves about it so I figured I had to at least see it while I was so close.  I can say with all honesty and without any exaggeration, the Maldives is the most perfect vacation we have ever had.

My perfect, happy place

Even the boys had a great time

Jameson, continued his "reading around the world" tour in the Maldives

We had such a fun family vacation with snorkeling, kayaking, speed boat rafting and Kyle even went scuba diving.  It was such a great vacation we even considered extending another night and keeping the kids out of school.  In the end we came home as scheduled and the kids went back to school on time.  

Luckily we had my mom's visit to look forward to.  She arrived on April 30th (very early in the am!) and was lucky enough to attend an event at Mike's school.  For those unfamiliar with Indus, it is a school that educates students from preschool through high school and has many buildings to support the student body.  None of the buildings is air conditioned.  The larger events are held in the sports complex and my poor mom had to sit, after having traveled 24 hours and been awake since at least 2 am,  for several hours watching elementary school kids talk about their leadership projects.  It was a really cute presentation but it was also really HOT.  The kids and the parents were melting and by 11:30 we left, with Mike :)

She also got to experience City Market which is the noisiest, smelliest, most crowded market I've been to.  I thought my mom might get run over or bumped into traffic about a million times while we were there.  But it was really fun to watch the people in the stalls selling their fruits and vegetables and everything else they had for sale.

From there we took a long weekend north.  We spent a full day on two flights and a 4+ hour drive along crazy mountain roads to get to our hotel in the Himalayan city of Shimla.  It was probably the scariest day of travel I've had in India yet but it was so beautiful I quickly forget about the fear.  The hotel was located on hiking trails and we were able to take the mountain roads back down the mountain to the river for some white water rafting and picnicking along the river.  The mountain roads to the river were even crazier then the main roads to the hotel.  For the most part it was narrow and windy and the drop offs did not have protective barriers of any kind.  Buses and trucks would pass without concern for space or safety.  Luckily our driver was paying attention and we made it unscathed.

OSHA not at work here.  This is a restaurant patio under construction, but open,  without any railings and a  significant drop off over the mountain.

When there is a tree in the way just build the street around it.

Our hotel, view from the hiking trails

Mikey and Kyle enjoying the post rafting picnic

One of the bends on the mountain road, sans guardrail

The truck that didn't care about any smaller vehicles

Mikey enjoying the view.

We had a great trip and my mom got the full expat effect later in the week when she watched the kids while Kyle and I attended yet another expat party. (OK, she got the babysitter effect and we got the expat effect, but it's kinda the same, right?)  Needless to say, the Mother's Day brunch the day after our expat party was a bit slow and lethargic even if it was delicious.  

I am enjoying all of these international adventures and parties, but I am looking forward to some US based adventures and lack of parties.  My liver needs a break!

See you all stateside soon!

Moving home this summer

Those of you who read my blog know that we are truly enjoying our time in India.  We have had opportunity to travel to locations that I never imagined visiting and we have all become friends with people from all over the world.  Therefore, it is with mixed emotion that I report our family is moving home to the US.  I am thrilled at the prospect of moving back home and regaining my privacy and independence and seeing my family and friends.  But, I am also sad that I am leaving an area of the world with travel opportunities that I will never see from the states and the friends that I have made during my short time here.

First, our decision to leave.  Kyle moved to Bangalore in April of last year and, in total, will have spent about 15 months here by the time we leave.  His number one goal was to identify and mentor his ultimate successor.  He has achieved this and the company is ready to move forward with the replacement.  In addition, and significantly more important to our decision, was a family reason.  We have two children - a 7th grader and a 4th grader.  The 4th grader is going to be fine no matter where he goes.  That is simply his personality and he is young enough to adapt to changing environments with ease and flexibility.  The 7th grader is a bit more challenging in changing situations.  I don't write about him often because he has forbidden me from talking about him on the Internet and given the long lectures I give him about Internet privacy and security I must take his request to avoid talking about him seriously if I expect him to listen to me on the subject.  Therefore, all I am going to say about this is that the schools in Bangalore are not appropriate for my 7th grader.  He is doing well in a lot of areas - even better than we expected in some areas - but there are a few important areas where the school is falling down on the job.  I have no problem recommending Indus for a younger student, but once a student gets into the middle school years it is woefully inadequate for a student like Jameson.  I am not alone in my feelings on this and I suspect the school sees significant declines in enrollment during the middle school years.

I absolutely have no regrets about our decision to move here.  I am confident that we have given our children everything we had hoped to during this past year.  They have seen the impact of extreme poverty and extreme wealth, they have had conversations with people from all over the world and seen that any and every choice we make - whether it be the food we choose to buy or the charities we choose to support or the words we choose to speak - has an impact felt far beyond the confines of our individual home or neighborhood or town.  There are certain choices we are not free to make...We can't choose where we are born or what our parents or friends will do or what will happen when someone else makes a bad choice that impacts us through no influence of our own.  Sometimes our choices are not our own and we need to figure out how to adapt and change to still succeed in whatever we are trying to accomplish.

Once we get home Kyle will hopefully spend far more time working in the US than he has in the past 5 years and I am hoping to go back to work in some capacity.  The kids will go back to school and sports and activities and somehow life will try to be normal again.  But, before that happens we still have two more months of craziness.  We have three short trips planned (gotta get all my travel done now, who knows when it will happen again!)  So I am counting down the days (10) until I get to go to the Maldives which was one of the top spots on my travel hit list when we arrived - we got very lucky when Bangalore unexpectedly scheduled their voting day for Thursday, the 17th of April, (voting day in India is a local holiday and businesses are expected to close) which happens to be the day before good Friday, which is always a Fidelity holiday, so Kyle and the kids have a 4 day weekend that we are taking advantage of.   We will also go to northern India and see the Himalayas for a long weekend in May and stop in Dubai for a couple of days on our way home this summer.  Emirates now flies direct from Dubai to Boston so it is a new carrier option for travel between Bangalore and the US.  We priced out the flights and surprisingly Emirates was a significantly less expensive option than Air France or British Airways so who am I to argue?

I am sure I will do a whole end of visit recap about the highlights and low lights of our India adventure, but right now I am simply looking forward to a house that is not constantly full of people working, the ability to drive myself wherever and whenever I want, consistent electricity and Internet access, drinkable tap water and salad.  I am very surprised to say that salad is the food I miss the most.

The things I will miss the most about India…the instant friendships of Palm Meadows and the expat community, the travel, and the amazing parties!  Although my liver and my waistline are looking forward to fewer parties :)

One Long Indian Vacation

Spring break at Indus happened to coincide with the Karnataka New Year holiday so the boys ended up with a week and a half vacation this month.  We decided to finally begin trekking around India and seeing some of the sights outside of Bangalore.  I haven't traveled much of India outside of Bangalore but what little I have done has proven to me that Bangalore is quite possibly the worst city in India.  Once outside of Bangalore the roads are better taken care of and the city make up seems to be better planned (not that anything in India is really planned, but the cities seem to be thrown together with better care in other places.)

India has a lot of character and charm, in its own way.  Bangalore has none.  There are very few pretty buildings, old structures, or green areas.  But outside of Bangalore there are wide roads, historic buildings that have interesting stories and even some open, green spaces that are mostly free of garbage.

Of course, India as a whole shares many commonalities inside and out of Bangalore - people are rude in groups…everyone cuts in line as a rule, not an exception.  There is no reason or logic applied to any decision.  Rules/expectations change without notice and if you aren't aware of the changes you will be yelled at.  (as an example, a group of us walking out of the airport in a throng of people had one of the main doors closed in front of us by a police officer.  No reason to close the door, all other adjoining doors remained open, but we needed to then swerve into a group of people unwilling to concede any space to allow us through.)  Every building has security at some level and men and women must go through different security lines (because it would just be scandalous if a woman had a security wand passed near her body while others could see!)  And, just like every sports stadium in the US, the women's line is significantly longer than the men's line even though the process is exactly the same.  Aside from the rude groupings of people who have no concept of personal space or organizational common sense, the most common pain in the a$$ in India is bad drivers.  I have now spent several days in cars with different drivers and they are all equally bad.  Driving too close to the cars around them, passing without space to do so, ignoring people and animals in the road, honking for no reason at all, speeding up only to stomp on breaks at the last minute just to get to the next speed "hump" 2 seconds faster, and my personal favorite…leaving the car in a higher gear for too long EVERY SINGLE TIME they need to shift resulting in the car heaving and jumping and nearing a stalled state.  As you can imagine, I am a bit frustrated from my recent travels!

But, in between the craziness and annoyance and general frustration of day to day life in India, there are some amazing things to see and do.  We started our vacation by flying to Delhi and visiting some of the sights.  The major government buildings are located in Delhi as is the Gandhi museum.  It was interesting to view the Gandhi museum because of its simplicity.  The rooms remain the same as when Gandhi lived there, the displays are mostly simple black and white photos with descriptions along with some doll house style depictions of major events over the course of his life.

But what really amazed me the most about the museum was the lack of commerciality.  In general, India is about as opposite of disney world as a place can be.  The scenery is genuine without being over the top and perfectly faked.  There are no buying opportunities with overpriced, plastic momentos that will break before they even get home.  As we left the museum there were two street vendors trying to get us to buy books and small gadgets for the overwhelming cost of about 50 cents.  That was it.  everywhere!  At the India Gate monument Kyle did buy a pair of sunglasses (Official Raybans, I'm sure!) for the excessive cost of $3.  Typically Kyle tries not to buy from the few street vendors around because it brings unwanted attention, but he had forgotten his sunglasses and what is a guy to do in the hot India sun?

This man is selling Chai on the side of the road at the India Gate

After our sightseeing adventure, we decided to spend some time at the hotel.  Interesting travel tip for families in Asia (and most of Europe too) it is extremely difficult to get a room for a family of 4.  We either purchase two adjoining rooms or a suite.  In Delhi we chose a suite and to our surprise upon arrival we ended up in the presidential suite.  This room was huge - bigger than our first apartment.  Two bedrooms with sitting areas and patios, two and a half bathrooms, a kitchen area, dining table that could seat about 12, living area and office room - all with their own patios.  It was ridiculous!  Mike was thrilled to have a hallway where he could play soccer.  We left that wonderful hotel to travel a few hours via car to Agra.  Agra essentially has the Taj Mahal, Agra fort and nothing else but poverty.

A monkey looking for food from a mother and child sitting on a window sill of a third floor level room

After consulting with our friends who have been we were told that the Oberoi is ridiculously expensive but the place to stay because of the views.  The views did not disappoint.  But we were in a suite that cost us more than the monthly rent of that first apartment I mentioned above.  And, the suite only slept three people so we still ended up with a kid in our bed.  But it was only one night and the visit to the Taj was incredible.  It is nearly impossible to get a bad photo of the Taj.  There is nothing around it to interfere with the view.  We visited a field behind the Taj compound at sunset and then, the following morning, we went into the Taj itself just after sunrise.  Even the kids were impressed with all of the detail and the optical illusions.  The planning alone was impressive, but to think that the building was created hundreds of years ago by the hands of thousands of men makes it even more impressive.

Again, I was shocked by the lack of commercialization.  It is impossible to get through an exhibit of any size in the US without being forced through a shop.  But here there wasn't even an opportunity to buy anything.  There were some children hanging around outside selling gadgets and postcards and small things.  I try to buy from the kids because I know they probably aren't going to get dinner if they don't sell enough.  And, they are usually the sweetest kids.  We got some Taj Mahal snow globes because I'm sure the Taj looks amazing in the snow  :)

After leaving the Taj we packed up our things and made the 5 hour trek to Jaipur.  Along the way we encountered a lot of street/people traffic.  Thousands of people were walking - walk-a-thon style -  through the streets on a pilgrimage to a temple that was 200km away.  They planned to make this trek, on foot, over the course of two days.  There and back!  There were people of all ages, in all sorts of footwear (or no footwear), carrying bags on their heads walking in an unorganized procession.  There were stands along the side of the road providing food and water and very LOUD music to encourage the pilgrims.  It was a sight to see.

Pilgrims listening to the music van in front.  

Eventually our route diverged from the pilgrims as we were again on our way to Jaipur.  Our "luxury" hotel experience started going downhill upon arrival at our next hotel.  The Trident is an efficient hotel that cost us very little for two rooms over two nights.  But after the luxury of the first two hotels we were feeling a bit like spoiled brats for complaining amongst ourselves that the air conditioning didn't get quite cold enough and the rooms were a bit small.  We seriously are going to need a travel adjustment when we get home so the kids (and I) remember that we are not 1%ers back in a first world country.  But the staff at the Trident was amazing and they took care of us and the kids and we enjoyed the time we spent in the pool and visiting the Amber fort. We travelled to the fort via elephant.  I never need to ride an elephant again - they are scary.  Beautiful and intelligent, but scary.  I've seen an elephant charge in the wild so I was not too keen on riding one in a crowd, but everyone does it and I was assured that elephants are well cared for and "love their work."  Don't believe it for a second.  They did not look happy.  They had men poking them with sticks on top of their heads to keep them moving forward, up a steep hill with humans on a basket on their backs.  It was scary because the seat on top of the elephant was much higher than the height of the wall on the side of the steep incline so it felt like we could topple down a steep slope at any moment.  and the elephant I was on kept veering to the wall (I think he had an itch that needed scratching and the wall was the most convenient spot).  I was terrified and feeling awful all at the same time.  Those poor elephants!  But, we disembarked the animals and after 20 minutes or so I stopped shaking enough to enjoy the Amber Fort.  It was amazing to see how royalty lived so long ago.

I won't go into too much detail because I don't remember most of it but even the kids were pretty impressed with the fort and the turkish bathing areas and mostly the ramps that were used to push the women in wheelchairs because they couldn't possibly be strong and capable enough to walk up stairs to the upper areas of the fort.

On the way out of the fort we stopped to watch a pair of snake charmers charming a cobra.  Being the daring sort I walked well out of the way to get behind the charmers and have a picture taken.  Cobras are not fun animals and this one hissed and lunged at anyone who moved near to it, but it was fun to watch from a safe distance.

The final stop on our trip to Jaipur was to an astrological park called Jantar Mantar.  It is a collection of astrological instruments including a large sundial and all sorts of other instruments that could be used to tell time and astrological readings.  And Jaipur was the end of the cultural sight-seeing portion of our trip.

On to the final stop of our vacation which was a 4 day holiday with friends in Goa.  And the hotel trend continued its down luxury slope with our accommodations for the weekend in our hut.

But the Simrose Beach Side hut accommodation was the favorite of our trip!  These hut accommodations get built in the Fall and come down in April.  They are temporary housing structures to take advantage of the 6 months of amazing weather and laid back atmosphere of the North Goa beach area.  The employees who work at the Simrose were more than accommodating and the food was amazing - which is all the more impressive when you see the small kitchen hut.  We had about 5 families staying together and the kids got their own cabana area for hanging out and eating meals which they labeled the kid zone because the adults had their own cabana area that we kept telling them was the "kid-free zone".  We relaxed, I avoided the sun and water while everyone else enjoyed them, and we watched the cows roam the beach.  This was the best weekend away we have had in awhile as a family and the kids had so much fun they are already asking to go back.  The best part - we spent 4 nights in 2 huts (2 people in each hut), 3 or more meals per day, multiple kid trips to the "free soda" refrigerator (they thought it was free for their personal use) and the many many adult beverages that kept us and all of the Simrose employees entertained during our evenings - we still spent less money at the Simrose than we did for one night accommodation at the Oberoi in Agra.  The wonders of India.

I still have a few more India locations I'd like to see but I am pretty tired of India travel for now.  The relaxed vibe attained at the Simrose was quickly dismissed at the Goa airport (aka the second worst airport in the world behind Toronto).  The airport is new within the last few months and it is complete chaos.  There are no signs indicating where anyone needs to go, luggage goes through security prior to the check in counter so that means waiting on two lines to get boarding passes, another ridiculous line for security which is so disorganized people are cutting and pushing up the line without consequence and the people manning the security lines apparently don't know the electronics rules because the boys were told to keep their iPads in their bags only to get in trouble at the other end for keeping the iPads in the bags.  Insanity.  I was thoroughly stressed, sweaty and in need of a vacation by the time I got back to Bangalore.  The insanity of India continues and I told Kyle that I expect he will book us a relaxing beach vacation outside of India during the Easter weekend.  Here's hoping he comes through :)

A little R&R in Mahabalipuram

I didn't know anything at all about Chennai or its neighboring town Mahabalipuram other than it was hot and on the east coast of India.  That was enough for me.  We needed to go to the US consulate to renew passports - which can reasonably be done in a day given the 50 minute flight time - but we decided to extend the trip into a long weekend and enjoy some time at the beach.  The resort was pretty empty and we even had our own assistant to wash the mud and sand off of the kids.

Jameson getting the mud hosed off

We had a great first day at the beach and relaxed in the HOT sun.  By day two Jameson was sick with a fever and refusing to eat.  We figured he simply had too much fun in the ocean the day before and let him sleep it off while Kyle and I went for a walk through the town.  I had no idea that Mahabalipuram  is a town filled with ancient ruins and rock carvings and temples.

Descent of the Ganges or Arjuna's Penance
this is a giant carving of 

This is a stone temple within the ancient ruins park -
not sure of the name

Shore Temple

These carvings date back centuries and contain amazing detail and history.  There were many school groups and tour groups wandering the sights while we were there.  Feel free to learn more about it here if you are interested.






























I guess the weather was good because people kept telling me it wasn't too hot.  I'm not sure what internal body temperature regulation systems they have but I thought it was hot.  In fact, when we got back to our room Michael asked me if I went in the ocean because I was soaked with sweat.


But it was worth the sweaty walk (although I am pretty sure Kyle was embarrassed to be seen with me :)  As you can see it is a remarkable place and I had no idea it was even here.  After walking through the ancient ruins we passed a park area that had lots of families and kids playing.  It looked just like any park at home with kids sledding - down a smooth, sloped rock surface!

sledding in the shade of Butterball Rock

There were many animals roaming the park.  Goats, cows and dogs all wandering together looking for food and shade.

Add caption

This guy thought that leaning down for grass was too much
effort so he just rested on his knees while eating!

Mahabalipuram lighthouse

There are also many cows wandering the streets

On the walk home from the park we took the route along the beach.  I've heard that people in India swim in their clothes but I didn't really believe it until I saw it in person.  The beach was very crowded with families and school children.  The children were in the water in their uniforms, the moms were in the water in their saris, and the men were either in their clothes or they undressed and swam in their underwear.  I didn't see a bathing suit anywhere.  So strange and it must be uncomfortable.  But it is practical I suppose.

A perfectly formed footprint in the sand.  

 Unfortunately, even after we let Jameson sleep off his headache and fever he was not any better on day three.  So Kyle, Michael and I hired a tuk tuk to take us to the chemist to buy some ibuprofen.  We have obviously been in India for some time because I am saying things like chemist instead of pharmacy and Jameson described his stomach ache by saying his stomach was paining.  Yet, I still had not been in a tuk tuk until this trip.

And, because there are no rules that I can figure out when it comes to driving in India, the tuk tuk driver let Mikey drive us home.  He is truly driving the tuk tuk!  Now all he wants for Christmas is a tuk tuk.  He said we don't have to buy him another birthday present or christmas present forever if we get him a tuk tuk.  UGH!!!  Watch out Brookline.  If you see a small yellow and green tuk tuk driving down the road get out of the way, quickly!

Who woulda thought that the US government would be so refreshing?

I had the pleasure of traveling with my family to the US consulate in Chennai over the weekend.  The boys and I need to have our passports renewed before we can get our new Visas renewed in time for our April deadline.  We've been in India for several months now and have experienced many Indian government situations - our FRO (Foreign Registration Office) registration, cell phone through Airtel, the government led cell phone service, electricity, water, etc.  You have all read in past blogs about how frustrating it is to deal with any of the previously mentioned companies.  But the worst government experience we've had has definitely been the FRO office.  Within 7-14 days of being physically in the country our family needed to register with the FRO office.  Fortunately we had a third party helping us navigate the eccentricities of dealing with the government in India, but it still meant traveling into the city on a school/work day, waiting in line for several hours until we could finally reach the front of the line where 3-4 families were waited on at the same time and told to go wait in the waiting area until we were called.

We were finally called and sent to the second floor (first floor here in India, the actual first floor is the ground floor and the second floor is the first floor, but unless you plan to move here you don't need to worry about that!)  Dozens of families moved to the first/second floor only to wait longer in an un-airconditioned area.  Our number was called and we were being waited on at the same time the family ahead of us was finishing up their paperwork.  The man behind the counter pushed the paperwork in front of Kyle and asked him to fill it out.  Then, Kyle got scolded for filling out the paperwork with his information when it was my information they were looking for.  Forgive Kyle for doing what he was told to do - the Indian male will never directly ask a female to do something.  They will always ask the male even if what they are looking for is the female's information.  That resulted in a tearing up of paperwork and a redoing of the paperwork in my handwriting after the papers and pen were passed to Kyle first and then to me.  Eventually, after two additional parties were called to the very same counter we were at, our paperwork was complete.  I'm not completely confident that our paperwork was not confused with anyone else's since the scene was completely chaotic and too many hands were involved in too much manual paperwork without any computer intervention, but so far so good :)

Needless to say my expectations were extremely low when we visited to US consulate in Chennai.  My impression was not improved any by the sight of 10 or so Indian security professionals reading the newspaper while on post at their consulate checkpoints.  On the upside, it was incredibly easy to get a car into the car lane by the front door of the consulate. We had a minor situation with our not so English speaking driver when we specifically spent 10 minutes explaining to him that no electronic devices were allowed into the consulate so we would not have our phones to call him so he would need to meet us at a specified time/place.  He agreed.  But, when we got out of the car he said, "call 10 minutes before you need me, sir?"  Apparently our long explanation was for naught.  Eventually we determined that we could call him from a security phone and all was good.

At this point I am prepared for a day long affair in the consulate waiting to get passports renewed.  I was RELIEVED that the US government was actually the most efficiently run organization I have experience in my 6 months in India.  We filled out our paperwork, handed it in, realized we were missing the appropriate sized photos but they still allowed us to submit all paperwork and gave us a special waiver to re-enter the building with new passport photos as soon as we got them printed.  All was done within 2.5 hours - even with our own mistake!  I never thought I'd be so pleased with the efficiency of a US government office, but WOW!!!  It was so nice to spend even 2 hours inside a US government entity.  I know it isn't actually the US and that I still needed to go outside into the real India, but just to have 2 hours of an air conditioned office with instructions that made sense and a staff that spoke to me with equal weight as Kyle was the most refreshing experience I've had so far in India.

I will post soon about our weekend in Chennai on the shore.  It was fun and hot and we had a great time other than another Kane child going down with fever and illness.  Why is that the Kane kids only get sick on vacations in Asia?  Poor Jameson is still sick and will likely be out of school for 2-3 more days.  Poor kid -although he would honestly rather be sick than in school.  

Culture Shock, Culture Attack or Culture Annoyance?

An expat friend of mine posted a link to an article recently that explained the difference between culture shock and culture attack as it relates to India.

The quick beginning to the article explains the differences as:

Culture shocks are actually a little bit fun. These are the experiences you tell your friends and family about when you go back home. It was like culture shock when everyone jammed into the train all at once! That was crazy! These are simple isolated experiences of cultural differences that leave an impression on us.

Culture attacks are hellish. They overtake your body and leave you feeling like the Incredible Hulk. You don’t tell people back home about these times. How do you tell your mother about the time when you got out your car and threatened to kill the motorcyclist who pulled out in front of you?

I was trying to explain the difference to some friends recently before I read this article and I wish I had read this first because it would have helped.  However, for me there is even a third characterization called Culture Annoyance.  Here is my definition:

Culture Annoyances: These experiences are no longer "shocks" because they are expected to happen, but are no less annoying or even infuriating and are typically handled with a shake of the head and a muttering of, "wow, things are different here" but, when they are experienced over and over in close succession they can also cause Culture Attacks.  They are different from culture shock because they are not at all fun.  

There are so many annoyances here that range from silly to infuriating - from the head waggle that doesn't mean yes or no but is somehow a suitable answer to any question, to the roads that are in such disrepair that motorists routinely suffer serious injuries and death because the motor bike they are riding on unexpectedly falls into a massive hole in the middle of the road, to the complete disregard of human safety in nearly all aspects of life such as the lack of safe drinking water or the lack of safety harnesses when working at the top of a tall building.

I have heard myself and many, many other people respond to these occurrences by saying, "we can't fix India." And it is true, the paradox of India is that it is a beautiful and ugly country at the same time.  The poorest of poor people are covered in dirt and also covered in fabrics of stunning color.  In one trip I'll pass slums and people urinating (or worse) on the side of the road and a second later I'll pass a gorgeous hotel that caters to the richest of the rich.  No one attempts to shoo away the unsavory aspects of life in India the way that a waiter of a fancy sidewalk restaurant will shoo away the homeless person asking for money in many countries.  It is just accepted that this is life here.

Most of the expats I meet here are doing as much as they can to help.  Volunteering in the orphanages and "adopting" villages to provide safe rice and personal hygiene products and teaching marketable skills to unemployed women so they can make a living sewing or making jewelry or cooking.  But the reality that is slowly creeping into my cultural annoyance state is that while those small acts of kindness truly help some individuals, India can't be fixed until the country decides it is going to be fixed.  

I know that I am greatly generalizing here and that international economics are a very complex and complicated system.  However, that does not change the fact that international companies come into India so they can drive down operating costs and keep investors happy at home.  And, they are doing a great service to the host country by providing good wages and tax revenue.   And even though I truly believe that these organizations are not engaging in any illicit or illegal behavior (think bribes which is a huge part of the culture here), I also believe they may be contributing to some of the madness.  These companies come in, set up shop and hire many, many employees - that is the great part (And, for the companies that I am familiar with in India, it appears that they are hiring adult workers at a decent salary and with very good working conditions).  But, the government takes legitimate tax money from the companies and uses it to line their individual pockets instead of improving roadways or providing clean drinking water or cleaning up the piles and piles of garbage that appear everywhere.  And no one cares because no one person can fix India.

I know there are people who would argue, at least in the case of US companies, that most of these jobs should stay in the US.  But I would play the devil's advocate and argue that if we truly believe that then we should put our collective money where our collective mouth is and start buying from companies that only produce in the US.  The reality is that in order to provide a good or service that the american population is willing to buy it needs to be less expensive than the other products.  And, the cost of doing business in the US is very high - what with our child labor laws and minimum wage laws and OSHA and other employment laws that make working in the US safe.  Therefore, there are corporations are either going overseas, or partnering with companies that already operate overseas, exploiting lower wage workers who are probably being put to work at young ages or forced to work long hours for little money or they are importing products without due diligence on the worker history to produce those goods.  When we shop at Homegoods (my personal favorite) or Old Navy or any computer provider or anywhere for that matter we should ask ourselves where the product comes from.  Without a doubt at least a part of it - the fabric or the stitching or the computer components or the entire product - is made in factories in Asia and elsewhere where working conditions are dire, buildings are crashing down and women and children are raped as a condition of keeping their miserable job.  

I don't have an answer.  We can't stop buying products from other countries because we would have to go naked for the lack of clothing available. - and honestly no one needs that!  But I love the people I meet in India and I love the opportunity my family has been given to live here and see the paradox of India.  I envision a country that rises up and demands better, demands a decent government that works for the good of the country and that creates safety nets so people can stop dying of diseases that something as seemingly simple as clean drinking water can eliminate.  I don't know how to fix it so I don't have any answers.  But I know that the cultural beliefs of India run very deep and turning a ship of 1.2 billion people is going to take many generations.

The Bubble

You've probably noticed that I call Palm Meadows, where I live in Bangalore, the "bubble."  And it is truly a bubble.  We have nice, even, palm tree-lined roads with beautiful landscaping set inside a gated wall protected by barbed wire and security guards.  It even smells nice inside Palm Meadows, at least most of the time.  Not when there is a garbage fire burning just over one of the exterior walls, but we can't have everything perfect inside our bubble I suppose.

The view from inside the bubble

And it certainly is not perfect.  Our power still goes out frequently and the Internet works intermittently and sometimes the pool water is a little cold :)  But we survive as best we can in the conditions.

But today I was fortunate enough to join some of my favorite people on a walk outside of the bubble.  My running friends, Leisa and Daleen, enjoy a nice 5k run outside the bubble most early mornings and I would like to join them but wanted to know what I was in for.  So a group of 6 of us did a nice walk today in the bustle of the morning commute.  Let's just say that we were not anywhere near the bubble even though we were simply walking around it.

The first thing I notice when I leave the bubble is the noise.  It is truly remarkable how different the noise level is outside the gates.  Horns honking incessantly, dogs barking at anything that moves, diesel trucks speeding over bumps and ditch sized divots in the road.  The second thing I notice is the amount of interference I need to watch out for - motorcycles on the sidewalks, holes appearing out of nowhere in the sidewalk or roads, power lines hanging very low.  This is not a place where texting while walking is advised.  Third are the smells.  gross diesel and choking smoke from cars, feces of undetermined origin, garbage everywhere, and then out of nowhere the nice and very local smell of incense burning in the huts and houses and, on one road in particular, a lovely row of flowering bushes.  

One eventually gets used to the unevenness and noise levels.  The cars sideswiping our shoulders took a bit more getting used to and I'm pretty sure I will never be cavalier about that.  Also the dogs are scary and heartbreaking.  I love dogs.  But street dogs are scary.  Until I see an injured street dog dragging a leg and then I want to scoop him/her up and go to the nearest vet.  But that is a story for another time.

I was looking forward to meeting Bessie as I've heard about her from the running ladies.  I wasn't disappointed, but I do think she was giving me the evil eye.

Today, as I do many days, I got to thinking about how people live outside the bubble.  I wonder if the person, or more likely family of many, living inside the small hut is happy there.  If the women I see on the sides of the roads washing dishes with dirty water over sewers are concerned about disease and health, and if the women I see washing clothes by soaking them in a bucket, banging them on a rock, rinsing and repeating long for a washing machine.  Do they even know how convenient life can be inside the bubble?

Woman washing her dishes over the open sewer. Behind her is most likely her temporary home where her family lives while one or more members of the family work at a nearby construction site.

And many of them do realize how convenient life can be because they work within the bubble households.  They get to see how the bubble people live with cars and electricity and running water and even HOT water.  And it is not just expats that live in the bubble.  All of the bubble houses are owned by locals and many live in their houses.  The expats are simply renting.  So it isn't as if the expats invented this lifestyle, it is here but not available to many.

The average income in India is $1500 per year.  I know that I find the grocery shopping to be fairly inexpensive here (unless I want a decent bottle of wine or imported product.)  But it is hard to really understand what $1500 buys.  So I did some conversions.  $1500 is almost 100,000 Rupees - not quite, but that is what I am sticking to for the sake of argument.  Before I continue, I need to make very clear that I am not an economist, I have no understanding of international currencies and stock markets and anything else that involves anything more financially complex than paying bills or balancing my bank account.  This is simply an observation of a current expat wife.

I've thought about some of the things I've bought over the past few days.  20 rupees for 4 tomatoes, 60 rupees for a quart of milk, 1700 rupees for my cell phone bill, over 300 rupees for a 4-pack of toilet paper.  If I am making $100,000 dollars a year I don't think I would ever pay $20 for tomatoes, $60 for milk, $1700 for a monthly phone bill and certainly I would have to forgo the $300 toilet paper.  So even though I think of these items as fairly inexpensive, it is completely out of reach for the average local.  My housekeeper asked me for a loan the other day to pay tuition for her two children.  20,000 rupees for public school tuition.  (again, not an expert so I don't really understand what the fees are for, but I assume it is for food and notebooks and uniforms.)  I don't know what her household income is but I can't imagine how she can afford to feed and house her children and ensure they have a decent education so maybe they can live a different life than she does.

One of the curious children we saw on our walk today.  He was very interested in the crazy walking ladies, but it doesn't look like he is dressed in uniform for school.

But, alas, our walk finishes up back in the bubble and I wonder if I would ever manage that route alone.  I'm sure I'll get more and more comfortable as I get used to being outside the bubble and also outside the protection of the car.  But, luckily for me, our walk finishes up with the lovely ladies discussing future shopping plans and possibly a meet up at the club in the bubble for drinks on Friday night.  Ahh…back to my comfort zone.  And, I hope we provided some amount of amusement to the many who witnessed the crazy white ladies doing the prancercise.

Trailing spouses...

A few of my expat friends have been sharing a blog post written by an expat wife in Jakarta.   In this post she talks about how expat wives are now called "trailing spouses" presumably because there are more and more expat husbands making the sacrifice to leave careers and move across the globe for their partner's career.  I love how we are described as dripping in diamonds and designer handbags and drunk by lunch…not entirely true but we might be dripping in affordable, hand-made local jewelry and bags that are beautiful none the less.  And, we may be drunk most weekends at fabulous parties that we could never afford to throw back in our home countries (or have the time to attend in our home countries.)

Being a trailing spouse is an amazing experience, in India anyway, because we have lots of free time to explore whatever we wish - education, volunteering, sight seeing, lazy afternoons at the pool.  Our children are in school from 7:30-4:30 and our houses are cleaned by someone else and our meals are cooked by someone else, my main responsibility is to grocery shop (and I mess that up often!)  And, the biggest difference I've found in my lifestyle here vs. my lifestyle at home is that I am not constantly running around going to practices and games and school events.  Our evenings are our evenings and our weekends are our weekends.  Yet, even with this life of leisure we have many frustrations…there are people constantly in the house.  Electricians when the fire hazard of our electrical systems break usually once a week.  Plumbers when my hair falls out (at a scary pace) and clogs the drain each week.    The power goes out and the Internet fails and every Indian experience is full of contradiction and illogical process.  Yet, we are in it together.

I arrived in Bangalore knowing no one and with unhappy children (and everyone knows a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child) and a lack of understanding of how anything worked.  But, within 24 hours I was visiting with the other spouses of Fidelity employees.  They were providing advice on how to hire a housekeeper, and which hospitals and doctors were the best and where to go to shop.  And they invited me into their worlds and introduced me to their friends and my kids to their kids and before I knew it I was part of a group.  Very much like freshman year in college when you arrive knowing nothing and nobody and within a week you know how to move around campus and have found life long friends.  "What's your major" has been replaced with, "where are you from and how long have you been here?"  These are usually followed up with, "where can I get decent toilet paper?"

Within a few short months I feel like I have been here for ages and I've made friends with people that are so different from me and yet so similar because of our experiences.  I have friends from the states and South Africa and Australia and Holland and Sweden and the UK.  I have dozens of people I can call at anytime to find a ride somewhere or to go shopping with or to simply sit and vent with.

When I told people I was moving to India for two years the reactions varied from excitement to sadness to "are you freaking kidding me?"  I kept assuring everyone that two years would fly by and I would slide right back into my life in Brookline.  Now, I'm not sure how I will slide back into the routine of housework and chauffeuring kids around town.  I'm glad I can continue to enjoy this craziness for a bit longer.  And maybe I can bring some of this lifestyle back with me.

I'm off now to drape myself in my diamonds and get drunk at lunch :)

Christmas Adventures

Bali, Indonesia is my new favorite spot on earth.  I can't even say why exactly.  The Balinese people are genuinely nice and engaging and Bali has everything one could want in a travel destination from beautiful beaches to an active volcano to tropical forests to mountainous regions as well as areas of nightlife, shopping, relaxation and exploration.  But I nearly cried when it was time to leave Bali.  8 days was not enough and I hope to make it back here some day so I can spend far more time meeting people and exploring.

Any of you who are friends with my husband on Facebook know that it rained for our first three days.  The rain, while disappointing, was not nearly as troublesome to me as it was to Kyle.  The kids still played in the ocean and I still sat in my cabana reading a book.  And Michael, in true kid fashion, played in the puddles!

Mikey playing in the puddles

By Christmas Eve we were worried that it might rain the entire week (full disclosure, it is rainy season in Bali so even though it was highly unusual for this amount of rain, it wasn't entirely unheard of.)  We managed to have a very nice evening with an outdoor dinner and managed to get the kids to sleep so Santa could come - and he made it to Bali even though the majority religions are Hindu and Muslim.

Pre Christmas Eve dinner

Whoever said, "Santa is white, kids, he just is." obviously has never seen Santa in Southeast Asia.  This Santa visited our hotel on Christmas morning to participate in a celebration with cool Balinese dancing, music and gift giving!

We got the best Christmas present when we woke up on Christmas morning.  SUN!  Which meant Kyle could stop complaining about the rain!  But, it didn't stop him from talking about the trash.  On certain days the beach was perfect, but the next day it would be covered with trash.  Mostly wood and other organic materials, but there was also a lot of general trash mixed in.  I'm not sure if the beaches are just that polluted in the area or if the recent massive storms contributed to the influx of trash, but it was very sad that such a beautiful location was overrun with litter.  On the mornings when the trash was bad we would see locals cleaning the beach.

Local Balinese woman cleaning the beach

Needless to say, we had a lovely Christmas day that ended with a nice dinner on the beach:

For one day we explored the area with a tour guide and I learned so much about Bali during this tour.  We started by driving about 2 hours into the city of Ubud and stopped at a traditional Balinese house.  The houses are set up very differently from how houses are constructed in the US.  There is a wall around the property and inside are a series of unprotected areas.  In the southwest corner is the kitchen (southwest symbolizes Hell in the local religion which is why the kitchen is located there.)  Then there is a platform with a cabana like roof covering and curtains surrounding it acting as walls which is the gathering area.  There are bedrooms which are essentially platform beds constructed like the gathering area.  The only bedroom with a door and traditional walls is the room of the newly married couple.  In the northeast corner of the property is the family temple.

Traditional Balinese kitchen.  The mother/female in the family spends all day in the kitchen preparing food for the family over the fire oven.  It is hot and backbreaking work.  

After visiting the house we ventured to Mikey's favorite location of the trip - the Monkey forest.  And it is aptly named because there are monkeys EVERYWHERE!  They were fun to watch as they played with each other, tormented the humans who were unlucky enough to carry food into the forest, and took care of each other.  We spent over an hour exploring the forest much to Mike and Jameson's delight.  Mine too because it was significantly cooler in the forest than the hot temperatures everywhere else.

A mom protecting her baby

From there we traveled up to the active volcano for lunch.  We passed a rice field on the way so we stopped to take a look.  In Bali the rice fields are completely harvested by hand without any machinery at all. Rice fields are surprisingly beautiful to look at.

When we arrived at the volcano we were able to each lunch in an open restaurant overlooking the impressive sights.  The restaurant was a bit scary because there was only a half wall, and by half wall I mean it was about as high as my thigh and the drop over the wall was deadly.  I was nervous anytime a family came in and took a picture with their kids sitting on the wall.  Luckily my boys were afraid to get too close.

The boys admiring the lava fields of the volcano

I think the favorite part of the day for everyone was the trip to the coffee fields on the way back to our hotel.  One of the famous coffees of Bali is the Luwak coffee.  You may have heard of it from the movie the Bucket List.  But for those who haven't, it is made from a coffee bean that is eaten by the wild cats of Bali (the Luwaks).  The cats only eat and digest the outer portion of the bean so the coffee kernel is passed through their system and deposited onto the ground.  it is then collected and processed into the coffee that our family was affectionately calling the Cat Crap Coffee all day.  While I was drinking said coffee, Jameson's clever little mind came up with our new name for the coffee, Defecation Caffeination.  So, for anyone who may drink coffee at my house, you never know when I will serve up a cup of Defecation Caffeination for your drinking pleasure.

Mikey roasting the coffee beans

All in all a good day!

We spent the first 6 days of vacation at a very quiet and relaxing hotel on Jimbaran Beach.  The final two nights were spent at the louder Hark Rock Hotel on Kata Beach.  I definitely realize that I am in a quiet and relaxing hotel stage in my life.  But we had fun at the Hard Rock.  On our last full day we spent most of the day at the pool where the kids were invited to participate in a "Walk on Water" competition.  The competition involves a long ladder-like contraption with floating steps set up in the water. The steps are similar to floatation devices but they get very heavy when wet and will drop pretty far into the water when stepped on so it is extremely difficult to manage to walk over the 15 steps.  In a moment that truly defines the strengths of both of our children - Michael managed to complete the ladder walk three times (the only child to do that!).  Jameson, who is not blessed with the balance of Michael, managed to fall after five steps on his first try - which was very similar to what most of the children accomplished.  On his final attempt he fell again around step 6 or 7, but instead of swimming back to the start, he crawled the rest of the way to the finish.  He was going to get there one way or the other and if he could make a pool full of people laugh while doing it all the better.  In another proud mom moment, Michael quite clearly won the event but the person keeping score mixed up the results and he was not included in the award ceremonies.  He was at first confused because everyone knew he had won, but as soon as he realized that his name was not going to be called he jumped in the water, swam back to where Kyle was sitting, and apologized for not winning him a free beer -  Yup, a free beer was the prize for winning a kids competition!  He couldn't have cared less that he didn't get a prize or recognition, he was just happy to compete and was ok that a mistake was made in a silly competition that has no bearing on anything.

All in all is was a fantastic vacation and a much needed get away from the craziness that is Bangalore!  But I was happy to get back home - and I realize that home now is Bangalore.  And even with the frustrations of traffic and people in my house ALL. THE. TIME! I am happy to be here and especially happy that I get to visit so many places that I would never get to under any other circumstances.

One of the reasons I like to travel is that I love to meet people and learn about how other people live.  And, as much as I would love to retire to a place like Bali, I also realize that I won the birth lottery in the USA.  I could have been born in a place like India or Indonesia and never have even imagined the opportunities I was missing.  America has many faults and the polarizing discussions of politics and religion drive me insane, but at least I am able to have those discussions or choose not to have them as is more often the case.  Equality of opportunity is a truly amazing thing that I didn't even think about until I moved away.  I agree that we, as americans, have not mastered the application of equality of opportunity.  The rich are always going to have more opportunity than the poor and unfortunately it is still legal to discriminate against people for their sexual orientation, but in my limited experience, America is better at this than almost anyone else.

In Bali I noticed a muslim woman's bathing suit for the first time.  Traditionally, I understand that muslim women are not allowed to show any body part other than their face.  I see many muslim women walking around covered but I had never seen one on a beach before.  They wear head to toe beach wear, including a head covering, even though the men they are with are wearing only shorts.  It just seems wrong to me, although I do not pretend to be an expert in the religion nor do I know any Muslims who are this traditional so I certainly am not judging the behavior.  I am just glad that even though there are days that I would like to cover myself completely in a snuggie, I am glad that I also have the choice to wear a bathing suit and feel the sun on my skin if I want to.

a muslim woman at the pool in Bali

In many countries, like in India, it is accepted that since one is born into a certain group they are unable to attain any job outside of that station in life - maybe a street sweeper or housekeeper.  Many of the housekeepers I've met work extremely hard every day only to go home and start a fire under a large pot of water so they can cook rice and beans for dinner or wash laundry by hand.  They spend their entire weekends cooking and cleaning without any chance to have any fun.  They spend 40 hours a week in our homes using tools and appliances that must seem so luxurious to them but seem like torture devices to me at home - vacuum cleaners and washing machines.  They go to school until the age of 14 or 15 and simply learn enough to go into people's houses to clean or, for the men, to drive people around.  I spend more money on groceries in a week then most of the street sweepers or housekeepers will make in a month.  And I am a little embarrassed about it until I realize that this is acceptable to them and they don't seem at all upset by it.  In many cases the people believe in a religion that states if they live the best life they can in this life they will come back to better things in the next life.  And they truly believe this in the same way that Christians believe in God without question or kids believe in magic.

I have a choice in my religion and my beliefs - and more often than not I choose to be undecided because there is just so much I am still trying to learn about different beliefs that I don't feel I am educated enough to make a choice.  I try not to blindly believe in anything and I am thankful that I am able to educate myself and make these kinds of choices. I am also thankful that I can change my mind.  

But, I do believe in magic.

Happy New Year everyone!  May 2014 be even better than 2013.